My Horse Saved My Life

I was the quintessential horse crazy child, who grew up to be a horse crazy adult. I learned at a very young age, that horses fulfilled me, in a way no person could. These majestic beings captured my heart and nourished my soul. For nearly thirty years, competitive riding was the vehicle I chose to fuel my horse obsession. Ten years ago, I was the mother of 10 year old twin boys, and the wife of an entrepreneurial man who’s inflated optimism, bad business decisions, and excessive spending, had left us in poor financial shape. My then husband, expected me, a stay at home wife, to use my inheritance (which was left to me prior to marriage), to support the family he was unable to provide for. I began feeling trapped, used, in a loveless, financially abusive marriage yet dismissed my miserable reality, believing things would change. I chose to hyper focus on riding, my forever passion, as a way to escape my home life. I assumed my beloved horses and sport could fulfill and satisfy the void and emptiness I felt. How wrong I was.

When my impeccably behaved, trusty show horse, Tater, suddenly morphed into an unpredictable, renegade, I assumed he was in physical pain. I sought the support of numerous practitioners -veterinarians, chiropractors, animal communicators - hoping to find the cause of his explosive, unexplainable behavior. Dozens of tests failed to explain or find a the just cause of his sudden, erratic behavior. Tater, the horse I had connected with on the first ride, who I had won countless awards with, and was the ultimate confidence booster, had become a suspicious stranger. Without explanation , I was at a loss. He was a ticking, time bomb, and I was the mother of two young boys. Consciously, I knew I could no longer put myself in danger. Riding him was no longer a viable option.

I had spent the majority of my life riding and competing. I had owned nearly a dozen horses, and competed from CA to NY. Riding was my persona. I was confident, able, and at home on the back of a horse. To be robbed of that, all that I knew, all that I relied upon for comfort, was agonizing. In the blink of an eye, I was no longer felt accomplished or talented. Overnight, I was reduced to merely a housewife, responsible for twin boys and a deadbeat husband.

Losing the lifelong obsession, the very thing I held so dear, left me wading in a pool of despair. Suddenly, I was stripped of my identity, worth, and self respect. Without my passion, my driving force, I merely existed. I was the person who was expected to emotionally, physically, and financially support my children and husband. I was expected, as I always had, to take care of everyone else’s needs without regard to mine. I was used to it; at six, I was a sexual playground; at eight, a punching bag. I learned early on, my needs were unimportant. I was nobody’ priority. Yet, as human beings, we cannot deny our need for attachment. The longing for connection and unconditional love exists within us all despite what we are conditioned to believe.

Tater forced me to give up the thing I believed empowered me. Initially, I was furious at my steady eddy partner, the horse I had come to rely upon. In an instant, I no longer trusted him. Despite my grief, I needed a reason or the cause, of his sudden erratic, dangerous behavior. In pursuit of an answer, I began spending time with him, a lot of time. One on one, off his back. I was scared of him, and he knew it. It is impossible to hide fear from a horse and so I allowed myself to become vulnerable, truthful, and transparent with my feelings in his presence. To my surprise, when I revealed my true, ugly self to him, something changed. He softened, and soon became not only trustworthy again, but a safe haven. I came to find my emotional pain, loss, and sadness did not push him away but rather drew him to me. He let me be real.

Horses have survived centuries by being attuned and aware of their environment. Their hypersensitivity enables them to sense the most subtle changes within us - our body language, breathing, and heart rate which are true indicators of our emotions. They mirror us through their behavior, allowing us self awareness of how our non verbal communications and emotions may be affecting our lives and others.

Connection is the key component in any partnership or relationship. Horses connect and inherently accept us, when we allow our authentic self to be exposed. When horses trust, they enable us to feel supported in the moment. Connection cannot be forced or manufactured, in any relationship. It can only be achieved organically where there is a balance of trust, respect, and transparency. If we deny, avoid, or mask our emotions, horses sense incongruity and disconnect. Disconnection in a partnership occurs when one or both partners disrupts the balance. Reestablishing connection, can only occur if both partners are authentic.

Tater is now a healer

I expected Tater, my long time, dependable partner, to support, trust, and respect me, when I refused to be honest with myself. Connection in a relationship, any kind of relationship can only be achieved if both partners are present, transparent, and honest. If one party is vulnerable and the other is not, disconnection occurs. Horses can sense disconnection far better than humans and will communicate behaviorally their wariness, mistrust, or fear. I assumed riding would fill a part of me and compensate for my marital and financial problems. Instead, my horse made me face my truth; I was rendering myself powerless by believing I was trapped in an unhappy marriage without an escape. Tater forced me to take an emotional, physical, and spiritual inventory of my life. Admitting much of my reality, my truth, to myself and loved ones was difficult but in doing so, I released myself from the shackles of conformity and found the freedom I deserved.

Horses have been my greatest healers and teachers. Throughout my life, horses have supported my true self, my authenticity, even when I had no belief in myself. Tater changed my life. He forced me to find the courage to step into the darkness and trust myself to emerge in the light. Horses have blessed me with a lifetime of healing, and this gift, was the impetus to creating my equine guided program, THE EMPOWERED HERD. I am now an equine assisted coach, utilizing horses to help women shed the thoughts and beliefs keeping them from all they desire.

Sometimes, we must survive darkness, in order to live in light. Denying our pain, and the feelings that arise from our challenges, keeps us in darkness. Only when we are willing to acknowledge the pain, can we begin to move toward light. Horses have the unique ability to help people reveal unconscious blocks, negative patterns and thoughts. Stepping into the darkness, the pain, alone, is frightening and is ultimately, what keeps people stuck. Horses can help guide us through the shadows, offering unconditional support as we journey toward the light of our truth and begin living the life we deserve.